Just another day?

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  Justin and I don’t really go all out on this day because it is a little ridiculous.  In fact, we didn’t get each other anything this year.  Don’t get me wrong, chocolates, cards, and flowers are wonderful and I love receiving these things, but I also enjoy getting chocolates on sale the day after, and cards and flowers throughout the entire year and not just on a day where you are “supposed” to get those.  However, aside from the gifts, we did have dinner plans.  I was so looking forward to a night out.

We were invited to share a meal with some very dear friends.  Salmon, chicken Parmesan, pasta, roasted vegetables, bread, wine, Pellegrino, salad, and chocolate cake were on the menu.  I was a very happy lady!  I can’t remember the last time that I had such a scrumptious meal.   Along with the delectable food, there was a lot of laughter.  There were many stories and jokes being told throughout the evening.  It was great and I do not remember the last time that I have laughed so hard.  It was a much needed evening, especially for my soul.

One of my friends, of about eight years, shared about the journey he is on and how each person around the table was a part of who he is becoming.  He has an amazing gift for encouraging and uplifting people.  It was so beautiful and affirming.  Those were words that I needed to hear – my soul needed to hear.  I remember thinking that each one of us there is a part of something grand and as I looked around the table I knew that we were all better because of who was present, because of who was sitting next to us.  We are all better spouses, parents, friends, and human beings by doing life with one another.  It was a moment of joy and wonderment.  I wanted this evening to go on and didn’t want it to end.  

Alas, all things must come to an end, right?  But there was something sparked in me, something deep in my soul.  As my friend shared, there were things that resonated in what he was saying, stuff that paralleled some of what I was discovering about my own journey and who I am.  Two things stood out to me:  1) that when he started to write his last album (he is a songwriter), he noticed a lot of anger coming out on the pages, and 2) that he saw a lot of his insecurities over the last year.  

Though these things were only a mention, this led me to do a little soul searching of my own.  I hold some anger (while I wouldn’t say I am an angry person) and I observe it when I read some of my journal entries over the past ten years and some even beyond that.  I see it when I lay awake at night and I replay scenarios in my mind and I sense the anger rise in me.  What I know to be true is that I am not an angry person and that there is something deeper in it.  Most of my anger stems from being hurt, from situations where people have let me down in a major way, and I feel it in the core of my being.  Needless to say, this has influenced some relationships and has hindered me from experiencing life in them.

The insecurities part I notice on occasion in relationships, but more prevalent in how I view myself.  A significant pattern in my journey is the lack of grace that I have for myself and how quickly I can feel worthless and insignificant.  Constantly I am challenged to view myself through a different lens that is not my own.  

What I know to be true is that I am a better wife, mother, and friend because of the dear friends I get to experience life with.  This journey is not meant to be experienced alone.  There is beauty is our messiness and sometimes the only way is through.  Last night I lay awake feeling an overwhelming sense of joy and hope because several hours earlier I saw a glimpse of heaven.