Inflow, outflow

Sometimes it is so easy to lose sight of who you are in the midst of the expectations and labels put on you, or the boxes others put you in.  Sometimes what you know of yourself becomes blurred and distant.  Sometimes you need a reminder of what it is that feeds your soul and then hold onto it for dear life.

I tend to be somewhat of an introspective person.  I think a lot about how everything is connected and how the bumps along the way are all part of the bigger picture.  Coincidence seems to fall by the wayside when I ponder how each event in our lives happens for a reason; it might not be a significant reason, but a reason nonetheless.

As I was filling out a performance review, I began to think about those things that motivate me, challenge me, and make me feel alive.  It seems that some of those things have felt far away from me in the past year or two.  I need to remember to keep the inflow and outflow balanced even when it feels like pulling teeth to do so.

Do not let the labels and expectations define who you are.

Seasons always change

Life has felt in transition for many months now. It is due to a restlessness stirring in us. The restless feeling growing as we discover what we care about in life and what our hopes are. We see the direction a little more clearly.


We will be moving in the next few weeks. There is a sense of healing that needs to take place as we depart from a crime-filled neighborhood with the majority of the population not caring much about others. Our experience here over the last six years or so has been difficult and eye opening. Now it is time to reverse (if possible) all of the feelings of bitterness, frustration, fear, and hopelessness that the years have laid on us. With each murder, robbery, vandalization, domestic dispute, arson, drive-by, etc., there is a sadness I feel for this community and I know that me and my family are better to not be in the middle of it.


The next step in our journey will be a difficult one as my husband will be traveling for work for the remainder of the year. Fortunately, we will be living with friends who will be a great support during this time.


Unsure of what the next chapter of our life will be like, there is a hope and excitement as we step into the new adventure and see the direction a little more clearly.

Let's call it . . . awkward

That moment when someone shares something with you and you feel obligated to say what he/she wants to hear . . . but, you do not. There is a silence, and you are conflicted as you think of something, anything, to say.

I have had my share of those moments in life when a guy has been vulnerable and shared his feelings for me. In those moments, I would just step up to the plate and, in the kindest way possible, let him down easy. It usually began with, "thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I have a ton of respect for you for doing so." (And that was the truth, I was really grateful and it did make me respect them all the more). Yes, it did change the dynamic of our friendship at that point, but we usually got over it and moved on.  Friendships with guys are uncomplicated like that.

A couple of years ago, I had a falling out with a girlfriend of mine.

Fast forward to present day. We occasionally run into each other and it is so uncomfortable. These run-ins usually include small talk, her getting emotional and almost crying, and she sharing things about how much she misses us.

So then, here is the really awkward part. I do not miss her. In fact, I am so glad that friendship is of the past and I feel so much freedom in my life with her out of it. Ugh, there. I said it. When I see her approaching me, I feel the stress rise in me and I wish in that moment I was invisible.

Is it okay to tell someone your life is better without them? Okay, perhaps that is too harsh and candid. It is the truth though.

Standing at the crossroad

Sometimes I feel paralyzed when big decisions are before me.  It seems overwhelming when every way could be good and all I want is to get to the other side of the thing that is causing a standstill as I wonder what direction to advance.

Since last summer, this is what life has felt like in one way or another.  When a stray bullet went through our dining room, while my family ate lunch, it was the icing on the cake to make a move out of our current neighborhood.  Between not knowing what we were going to do with our house and how we would afford another place, we did not make a move.  And it was stressful.  It felt hopeless.

It appears that the wait is over as we are going to get our house ready to put on the market (hoping that we can get a good price for it).  The funny thing is that we don't know where we are going for sure, but we know that we need to step out in a direction.  We need to take one of the roads and trust that it will be the best for us in this season.

This year is going to be one of change on many levels and as we travel down the path, we will find rest.

Caught

Someone told me the question is not what if, but what will be.  Of course this struck me because I tend to get caught in the tension of what something should or could be, and what it actually is.  Asking myself what will be, brings a perspective of being active in the journey ahead instead of feeling as though I am reacting to it.

My parents and I are very different in many ways.  Not only in how we are wired, but also our view of the world and of Jesus/faith.  More recently, it has been difficult to find common ground in our belief systems.  The tension rises in me as they appear to fit God into a box and are so confident about having faith all figured out.  The Jesus I know is big and loving and gracious and way beyond my comprehension.

It is difficult for me to engage with those who think they have it all figured out, who feel compelled to push their thoughts and agenda on others, and who throw scripture at people in order to make a point.  But, how do I reconcile this if it is a parent?  My immediate reaction is to not engage, because it is exhausting and discouraging.  And yet, I am caught between what I think I should do, and what is reality, and it can feel hopeless.  

A friend reminded me that the same Jesus that loves me, also loves those who are difficult for me to be around.  And so, I ask myself, what will be?  (Seriously, what should I do?).