I Need a Day

If I had a day for me with no other responsibilities, it would look something like this (in no particular order):

1. Take the 25 or so items of clothes that have been lying in our room in a pile for the past couple of months or so to the consignment shop.
2. Take the two grocery bags of clothes that have been sitting in our room for about five months now to Goodwill.
3. Go to the mall and just wander; maybe spend some of my birthday money before it gets used to pay bills.
4. Take a nap.
5. Get a massage.
6. See some friends.
7. Organize my life.

Number 7 is a bit lofty, but one can dream.  My 'me' day probably wouldn't look exactly like this, but a few of these things would be a must. After coming to the realization that I work five days or more a week and I am home all day with my kids four days a week, the space for 'me' time is extremely limited at best. I don't need much, but some here and there would be therapeutic. This is the beginning of my quest for 'me' time.

Did That Just Happen?

It has been a bit since I posted something; in part, because I couldn't get access, and also because it has been a roller-coaster ride for my family this past week. Without going into too much detail, my daughter was hospitalized after being sick a few days. Turns out she had an infection in her blood.

Our second trip to the ER (yes, trip #2 after going to see two other doctors) did not end with us going home as the first one had. What was thought to be a one to two day stay ended up being a five day stay so that they could monitor Addi's sickness and infection. I remember thinking, "is this really happening?"

It was difficult seeing her hooked up to the machine administering her fluids and antibiotics. Every time the hospital room door opened, she became nervous and irritable. She sometimes would yell at the nurse or doctor to "get out!" She looked at me with tears in her eyes asking me what they were going to do. I kept telling her that they wanted to help her feel better, that I was there, and that it would be okay. Then, she started telling me that she didn't want to feel better, in hopes that they would leave her alone.

After a few days of just lying in bed, she began to go for walks in the hallway and play with some toys. This was great, but also had a couple of drawbacks as she would run away and try to hide from the nurses and doctors when they tried to get her vitals. She was a trooper though and through the tears she still let them listen to her breathing and get her temperature. Taking the blood pressure is another story.

One funny moment was when she was in bed resting after not being out of bed much and she asked me "Mom, you think I can dance?" She was watching a commercial where the characters were dancing. I said of course and started to help her out of bed, which was a bit of a process: put railing down, move blankets, put her slippers on, move her tubes, unplug her machine (so she could move into an open space), all while trying to be careful and gentle. "Mom, hurry up so I don't miss it" she told me.  I, unfortunately, wasn't quick enough.

During our stay, we watched a lot of Nick Jr., she ate a lot of bacon, and when it was time to go home, she said she wanted to stay. That was due to the cool toys that she got to play with and no other reason I am sure.

We are home and trying to play catch up. Other than being tired, seeing Addi's bruises on her arms from IVs and blood draws, and feeling like it has been forever since we have had any family time, it almost seems like we were never at the hospital. The hospital chaos began one week ago and it feels like it could have been a month ago. So glad to be on the other side.

They Will Know

What if Christians were known for their love?  As I learn more about who Jesus is, I find myself struggling to call myself a Christian because the two seem quite contradictory.  When I think about Jesus, I see love, justice, truth, grace, compassion . . . and, unfortunately, I don’t always associate these things with Christians. 

A couple of weeks ago, I learned of a huge controversy happening in evangelical circles about what was written in a book, a book ironically titled Love Wins.  Finding myself wanting to stay removed from the debate, knowing frustration and disappointment could easily arise in me, I didn’t do any research on the matter . . . until today.   I wish I could say that I felt neither frustrated nor disappointed, but that would be a lie.  I actually found myself stunned as I read people’s (“Christians”) responses attacking one another and God in each other.  It felt a little bit like what I know of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis where “Screwtape sees a demon's primary goal to befuddle, confuse, and eventually corrupt a person rather than to tempt” him or her to do some extreme sinful act.  This seems accurate at Christians are hurting one another by divisive and spiteful comments.

A friend of mine responds to this debate by saying “there is no question that isn't safe to ask. The more we allow ourselves to humbly admit that our view is limited and that we just might not get everything right, and the more we rigorously pursue God, the more God will be revealed to us, beautiful and glorious, bigger and better than we could have hoped or dreamed God would be. We hope to remain anchored in Jesus, seeing each other through his eyes, being gracious to each other when we disagree, and remaining united in him.” 

I pray this to be as we learn to love one another in the way of Jesus. I hope they will know us by our love.

Friends of Old

There is beauty that comes with age and significance in the days of yore.  Not only did I experience this in Europe several years ago, with the rich culture and pieces of history that seemed to come alive as if I stepped into an old history text book; but I see beauty when I discover the unknown about people and stories.  Most of all, I recognize the beauty and value of relationships that span over many years.

I have a handful of friendships that spread over a decade.  A few of those friends I am still very close with, but two people have really been significant in the ups and downs and the good times and bad.  We have seen one another through job changes, relationships, moves, faith journeys, and life in general.  We know one another deeply and we want to see the absolute best for each other.  We "get" one another.

Last night, we were able to spend some quality time together.  We laughed, we listened, we just were . . . together.  It was a bit of a belated birthday celebration for me, but also time to connect as one of us lives half way across the country.

Side note: it is not a surprise that I love food.  I love trying new and different foods and I very much enjoy experiencing new places.  Last night we ate at Aster Cafe in NE Minneapolis down by St. Anthony Main.  I had been there once when it was simply a coffee joint.  Now, some local owners converted it into a little restaurant.  In addition to it being in a very quaint and storybook-like location, this little corner cafe has the most amazing food!  We started with a cheese platter with brie, bacon, and roasted grapes.  Next, we had an apple spinach salad with aged cheddar and candied walnuts tossed in a vinaigrette.  We also got an artichoke, parmesan, and red pepper flatbread pizza.  So good.  We finished the meal with a chocolate raspberry torte and chocolate cranberry bread pudding.  I will definitely be going back!  Everything on the menu looks amazing.

Anyway, all this to say that I am extremely grateful for friends who have been a significant part of my story and who "get" me.  I experience beauty in these relationships and see the face of Jesus.

I Wonder . . .

In a fair and impartial world, no one would go hungry.  No one would be homeless.  It is hard to fathom what this could look like.  I have always been an advocate for justice, knowing that it directly relates to how I follow Jesus and how I love others.  In more recent years, however, I began to understand how God sees justice.  Though people experience many forms of inequality, poverty is one of the foremost injustices throughout the world.  Through the power struggles, greed, and consumerism, we have left families starving and without a roof over their heads. 

There is a story about manna falling from heaven.  The people were told to go out and collect what they needed for the day.  If they gathered more than they needed, the manna would become full of maggots and smell.  I wonder what my life would look like if everything that I did not need became full of maggots?  Given that the thought of maggots makes me want to vomit, I most likely would not have as much stuff as I do. 

It is communicated, on big and small scales, that we need stuff, that we need the best of the best, and that we need it now.  My humanity wants to rationalize the desire for things; yet I feel freedom and peace in simplifying my life.  This tension keeps me wondering about how my decisions affect people living on the margins of society. 

I know these thoughts can bog us down making us feel overwhelmed and guilty.  Maybe we can’t change people’s lifestyles and thoughts on injustice, but maybe we can begin to ask ourselves questions about how our decisions have a hand in the injustices experienced by others.  I wonder what our world would look like if everyone had equal access to the resources needed to survive.  I wonder . . .

Loving and Bypassing

One of my most favorite writers of all time, who inspires, challenges, and makes me wonder, writes about how pieces of our life lead us beyond the confines of our being.  I value how he sees the subtle and inconspicuous ways that our stories lead us to a bigger story. 

This morning, I grabbed a book where he writes about community and the love of God.  He writes about how love between two people connects us to our deepest self.  Pain in losing a loved one (by death or other circumstance) calls us to a deeper understanding of God’s love.  That love in us shows us the love in others, so the God in us can speak to the God in others.  Through that we experience a mutuality in the heart of God.  He writes about how losing loved ones is extremely painful because “the other person has become a true revelation of God’s love.” 

Do you suppose that experiencing the mutuality in the heart of God extends outside of the relationships with our beloved?  In other words, could we experience God with people we tend to just pass by daily?  The person sitting alone in the restaurant.  The person standing in line with us at the coffee shop.  The homeless person standing on the street corner. 

Sometimes it feels so hard to muster up a smile or an encouraging word.  Or it seems so difficult to step out from behind our shield and be vulnerable together.  Maybe it’s because “we are so full of our own opinions, ideas and convictions that we have no space left to listen to the other and learn from him or her.” (Or maybe it’s because we have a screaming toddler and crying infant who we are trying to comfort simultaneously while hustling to get to where we needed to be . . . like 15 minutes ago.  I get it.  It’s life.  I am not judging.)

A friend of mine told me, while experiencing one of the most difficult times (if not the most difficult time) in her life, that a couple of her closest friends decided to take a step back from their friendship and consequently away from her.  I remember being really confused and not comprehending how you can desert a friend in their darkest moment.  As circumstances have it, my friend was going through a divorce.  I wonder if we can rise above the circumstances and value people (friends) more than opinions or convictions we have about certain issues.  Are people more important than our ideas or beliefs on a particular topic?  I don’t want to assume anything, but can only hope that the space that was created in these relationships was mutually beneficial. 

In addition to being amazing, experiencing love can also be dreadful; but bypassing the opportunities to love may not be the answer.  As I continue to figure out what loving people in my life looks like, I hope for grace and the ability to learn from my failure.

Thirty plus one

I have never been a night owl, nor have I been an early bird.  I can count the number of all nighters I have pulled on one hand.  Does that make me old?  My sleep schedule got messed up at the first slumber party that I attended in elementary school.  Most nights I crawl into bed soon after putting my kids to bed.  Would you say that I am old?

My muscles are sore and achey after bowling with friends.  I don't enjoy going out late at night; in fact, I don't really like to drive in the dark either.  Am I old?  Sometimes I find myself shaking my head at "kids these days."  I would like to think that I am still aware of what is going on amongst the youngsters as my kids will one day be in that age bracket.  Sometimes I feel very old.

Mark Twain said "age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."  Age is simply a number.  At least this is how I feel at present.

The years come quickly now.  I want to drink in this rich life that I have been blessed with.  As I turn another year older, I am reminded that "there is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love."

Attack of the popcorn

My husband and I have a little routine on many nights of sharing a bowl of popcorn while catching up on our favorite TV shows online.  We do not watch anything in real time it seems anymore.  Our fave shows include: Chuck, Modern Family, GLEE, 30 Rock, The Office, One Tree Hill, White Collar, and the occasional Pawn Stars.

The other day, I decided that I wanted to make real popcorn instead of the microwave popcorn.  I love it made with olive oil and sprinkled with some sea salt.  The process is a little longer, but it tastes so much better.  Side note: I recently read an article that said microwave popcorn is not a healthy choice because there are chemicals that leak from the inside of the bag and get absorbed in the popcorn.

So, last night I made real popcorn.  You know, the kind on the stove top.  I followed the directions on the bag - 1/4 cup oil (I use olive oil) and 1/3 cup popcorn.  The first batch was a successful batch, though it didn't even fill the bowl.  I decided to make a little more and thought I would guesstimate the quantities.  A little oil, dump in the popcorn seeds and voila!  They were popping away.  Literally.  The top starting to rise off of the pot from the massive uprising of popcorn.  I tried to dump the popcorn in the bowl, but it was kind of all sticking together for some reason.

With the popcorn still rising and the kernels still popping, I grabbed another bowl.  At this time, a layer of popcorn covered the counter and stove top.  After a fierce battle, I got all of the popcorn out of the pot and into the bowls.  Well, at least the stuff that would fit.  I seemed to have been a tad bit off on my guesstimate.  Even though it took about 20 times longer than the microwave popcorn, in the end it was worth it!