In the name of friendship

I am baffled by many things.  One thing in particular has me puzzled as of late: friendship abuse.  I have many friends who are great at making deals, negotiating, bargaining, and I actually am not too shabby myself at times.  In the midst of what can be a positive attribute, however, I never want to take advantage of my friends or anyone for that matter.

One example that comes to mind is when people want to make a deal with performers.  Many of my friends are musicians and that is their profession, their main source of income.  I understand tight budgets and networking and such when you are trying to book performers (having been a booking agent), but I know that they are trying to pay their bills and put food on the table; many of them doing so for their family.  Some may be in a place financially to make a deal with friends, but many of the ones I know are not.  Even though, a few of them often will negotiate with friends, it's polite not to expect it of them.

Another example, my husband loaned a valuable piece of equipment to someone and it was stolen while in this person's possession.  I found out through his wife's facebook status that the piece of equipment had been stolen, told my husband who had no clue, and he called this person to confront him.  This guy came up with excuses as to why he didn't say anything and then offered a really low price to replace it.  A price that is actually several hundreds of dollars less than the value.  My husband said that he wanted a certain amount for it, an amount that is less than half of the value.  This person decided that he wanted to negotiate and continued to come up with excuses as to why he didn't feel the need to pay for this stolen property and said that friendship and relationship should be more important.  He also proceeded to say that his reputation far out weighs my husband's should there ever be question of that.  Interesting . . . and sad . . . and just really unfortunate that this incident is now a wedge between them.

I do believe that friendship and relationship is more important than material things, and I also believe that doing what is right and truthful and honorable is important as well.  Don't take advantage of others in the name of friendship.  Not cool.

Easter to a three year old

In efforts to be intentional about Holy Week, I took it upon myself to explain Good Friday to my three year old.  It went something like this:

"Do you know what day it is?"  To which she replied, "no." I told her today was Good Friday.  She asked me what that was.  Okay, here we go.  I said that a long time ago, there were people who were really mean to Jesus.  They called him names and they were mad because they didn't believe that he was the King.  "Jesus is a King?!" she asked excitedly as she is quite familiar with kings, queens, princes, and princesses.  I told her that Jesus went away for a couple of days.

Then, I said that Easter is when Jesus came back and saw his friends and everyone was so happy to see him.  To which she replied, "awwww, cute!  That's my favorite part."

"Which part is your favorite?" I asked.  "The part about Easter," she said.

It's amazing how difficult it is sometimes to explain things to a three year old.  But, in the same breath, if only we would be in awe and ask the questions and be okay with the simple things as they are.  Not that the incidents that happened this time many years ago are simple.  The sacrificial death in no means should be taken lightly; for that amazing selfless sacrifice is what gives us hope and is what helps us love.

Your heart is broken, the heart that did not know hatred, revenge, resentment, jealousy or envy but only love, love so deep and so wide that it embraces your Father in heaven as well as all humanity in time and space. Your broken heart is the source of my salvation, the foundation of my hope, the cause of my love. It is the sacred place where all that was, is and ever shall be is held in unity. There all suffering has been suffered, all anguish lived, all loneliness endured, all abandonment felt and all agony cried out. There, human and divine love have kissed, and there God and all men and women of history are reconciled. All the tears of the human race have been cried there, all pain understood and all despair touched.  -Henri Nouwen

Best friends forever

It is a rare and priceless gift to have a friendship last a lifetime, a literal lifetime.  I remember two of my childhood best friends, both of whom I am no longer in contact with.  One relationship phased out as we entered junior high and the other faded as we each got married and as life happened.

The first friendship seemed like a mutual decision to stop pursuing each other as our lives went in different directions.  This was after years of spending almost every spare moment at each other's house.  Though it made sense at the time that we grew apart, given that we attended different schools and our life choices didn’t quite align, there was a void in the years to come.  For a junior high kid, however, this was a devastating “break-up” if you will.  I have fond memories of us laughing until we cried every time we would get together.  We got our ears double pierced together.  We would dress like twins more often than I care to admit (side pony tails and all - it was the 80s, what more can I say).  I remember playing Barbie dolls for hours and hours; some days from sun-up to sun down.  We had the "best friends" necklaces.  I still think about that friendship from time to time and wonder what it would be like if we were still actively a part of each other’s life. 

Our last encounter was at her dad’s funeral over ten years ago.  I hadn’t seen her in years and we embraced, and she cried.  It was as though regardless of our absence from one another’s life, we were a still a part of each other’s life.  It’s hard to explain.

The other friendship spanned over 20 years.  I remember thinking that this was one that would last forever, and then life happened.  Without going into a ton of detail, she met a guy, got married and moved away, leaving her friends a little shocked and confused.  We were not invited to be a part of that decision or relationship and it hurt.  With distance as a significant barrier, and our daily lives as another, that friendship quickly disintegrated.  I remember having lunch one day when she was back in town.  At one moment it got quiet, and a little awkward, as we seemed to have run out of things to talk about (this was a first in our many years of friendship).  Then it came out as I figured it would.  She looked at me and said, “Rebecca, we need to connect more often.  We need to keep in touch.”  Yes, that would be nice, I agreed.  After corresponding a couple of times with her with no response to follow, the communication stopped.  It was challenging to be expected of something and then have no reciprocation.  I miss the friendship we had, but am happy and content with where we are now.  I have accepted it for what it is.

I have learned through these relationships and others to hold things loosely.  There are a few friendships that I will fight very hard for.  And there are others that I know I will never have to fight for because they will always be; in their unique way, they will always be.  These are my “kindred spirits.”  There are other friendships that have come and gone with the ebb and flow of life.  And I am okay with their absence.  I grew up feeling terribly when friendships evolved or fell apart.  To me, it meant that I had failed in some way.  What I know to be true is that life happens and it is acceptable to hold things loosely and let things or people go when the time is right.

Pursuit of justice

Something vital in the way I am wired, is a sense of justice for people experiencing none.  I remember growing up asking over and over, “Why do I have food to eat and a roof over my head when there are many who go without?”  I was not naïve to the disparity in the world, but saw only glimpses of it in my limited worldview.  The magnitude of the issue is overwhelming and disheartening, and at times hopeless.  When I think of justice fully expressed, I think of harmony and peace.  I think of calm in the midst of chaos.  I imagine equality in a world full of discrimination.  

Is there a point where our personal struggle for justice becomes an injustice for another?  Who suffers as we try to create a fair world?  I never thought that pursuing things like justice, community development, equality, peace, etc. would lead to pandemonium in a way that actually creates injustice for others.

I ask the question about our fight for justice becoming an injustice for another because I think about my family, more specifically I think about my children.  We live in one of the most, if not the most, unruly areas of Minneapolis.  What started as a decision to live near friends and immerse ourselves into an under-developed neighborhood in efforts to help cultivate it, has led me to see my children experience a sort of unfairness in another way. 

Though the winters here are less rowdy, the non tundra-like months are ones of raucous and disorder.  It is uncommon for a week to go by without hearing gun shots ring through the surrounding area.  Police cars are constantly canvassing the streets and sirens are always sounding.  My husband and I have each individually witnessed a drive-by shooting in our six years of living here, one right outside our window and the other just a few blocks away.  (Side note: friends, do not be alarmed.  You can still come visit us).  This is what inadvertently affects my children.  In a way, there is a bit of their childhood they are deprived of.  That is having the independence to run around and play outside, ride their bikes down the block, walk to the park, etc.  In efforts to protect them from the mayhem, we take away a piece of their freedom to just be a kid.

When we chose to immerse ourselves into this neighborhood, we unavoidably began to absorb the injustices and the chaos that the people around us experience.  I wonder if we listened to the voices of those weaker than ourselves if our pursuit of justice would look any different.  For now, I hold on to hope for a better day for this neighborhood and trust that our presence is not squandered.

Gary

Last evening I met Gary.  Gary is probably in his mid to late 50s with long straight white hair and a white bushy Santa-like beard.  He was a professor at a college for a short period in his life.  Like me, he grew up on a dairy farm.  We reminisced about the hard and never-ending work that is required to operate a dairy farm as we ate our dinner of sloppy Joe's, coleslaw, and potatoes.

Since I have not been keeping up with this season of American Idol, Gary took it upon himself to inform me of the latest and greatest with this reality TV show.  He seemed quite knowledgeable of pop culture when it came to this competition.  At one point in our conversation, he lifted his arm up and looked down at his wrist.  "Do you like my bling?" he asked me.  "You wear it well." I replied.  What he was referring to was a hospital wristband.

Gary is infected with HIV.  He told me that he is alive because of the blood transfusions that he receives.  Along with the infection, he has a bone marrow disease.  Gary does not know how much longer he will be alive.

I was awake for a lot of the night thinking about what it could possibly be like to walk in Gary's shoes.  I cannot imagine.  In addition to Gary, I met other people who were living with HIV/AIDS, and I noticed that they were 'living'.  They would joke around and laugh and engage in conversations about their past, present, and future.  I ask myself, "What would my life look like if the tables were turned?"

Life is fragile.  Life is beautiful.  Each day and each breath is a gift.  I need to live my life and live it remembering that.